Joy?

Dear Journal,

As I reflect back on the past few years, I have learned so much about myself, life and those who love me unconditionally. I just wish I could have seen all of it sooner, but I was blinded by the grieving and deep sorrow that was embedded within my heart. That grieving and sorrow almost killed me! 

There is so much a widow encounters other than the pain of losing a person whom they loved deeply. They experience friends who all of a sudden are no longer friends. They encounter friends who become users and then... they realize they are basically all alone in life. The one that was always there for them is now gone... forever.

I watched a movie last night that really made me stop and think. It said, in Egypt, when you die, you are asked two questions at the gates to heaven.  The first question is: "Have you felt joy in your life?" The second question is: "Have you given joy in your life?" I knew I had given joy, but I could not honestly say I have felt joy. Yes, I have been happy, but pure joy... No, I do not think I have.

Joy. Hmm, lets see... what could bring the feeling of real joy to me? That should be easy for most everyone, but not for me. Yikes! I need to find joy!

My daughter and I, plan on going to Eureka Springs, Arkansas, this coming May.  We will stay a week, in a apartment located in the heart of the town.  I am excited about it, but my health has been so bad and I hope, I will have the strength to enjoy the adventure. 

I do not know what is really wrong with me. I am so weak at times, I cannot even lift my foot into the car or walk more than ten steps, before I am so tired I have to lay down. I have stress related type 2 diabetes and I am allergic to all diabetic medications. I have been forced to find a natural way of healing myself. That has not been so easy to do. 

I did find that red grapefruit works like a diabetic medication. This was good news for me. I also take herbs and vitamins to help with my immune system and energy. So far, it has really helped me. 

Now, I need to figure out... joy!